Bubble blind Canadians are amazed at the asking price for the Dallas home of Chuck Norris.
Yes, Vancouver, there are places you can get a decent home for $1.2 million.
You’d have to make do with just 4 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms in just over 7,000 square feet.
There’s a theater, a gym, a pool. You know, the basics.
Of course, what it doesn’t have is Vancouver.
And for those that don’t know, here are a few Vancouver facts courtesy of reader crikey
Vancouver fact #20:
In Vancouver you can ski, surf, swim, and spend eight hours in the Emergency Room waiting to see a doctor to treat your hypothermia — all in the same day!
Vancouver fact #56:
Vancouver’s property salepeople’s tears can cure cancer. Its a shame that none of them will ever have reason to cry, since Vancouver home prices are only ever going to go up.
Vancouver fact #106
Vancouver could shrink its abundance of rainy days if it *really* wanted to. But Vancouver chooses to allow so much crummy weather every year because it is being ironically hip.
Vancouver fact #66
Children in Vancouver seldom bother to buy chewing gum. There is no point do doing so, because everybody knows that some fundamental laws don’t apply to Vancouver, bubbles cannot ever form in Vancouver.
Vancouver fact #27
Vancouver is home to the greatest Wizards in on Earth! Harry Potter and Gandalf look like rank amateurs compared to Cam Good, a Wizard/salesperson who once put a group of Vancouver property salespeople in a yellow helicopter and magically transformed them on the evening TV news into well-monied overseas investors scouring the city for purchases. More recently, the Wizards at ‘MAC Marketing Solutions’ took two unrelated employees with different nationalities
and magically turned them, on various leading nightly TV new broadcasts, into sisters whose wealthy parents were buying into the condominium market — from the selfsame building MAC was marketing!
Vancouver fact #28
Vancouver real estate journalists are wary of accusations that they are helping pressure locals into buying by publicizing a real estate marketing narrative that rich overseas customers are about to snap up all new developments coming up for sale. They graciously invite anybody to send their concerns in a bright red envelope to: “Golden Double Lucky Comments, Box 888, Realty Journalists Association, Vancouver”.
Vancouver fact #103
So many cities are now using the ‘World Class’ moniker to describe particular attributes or initiatives related to their cities, that the expression has become passe. Cities that want others to think their humble little burgs are really happening are now using the term, ‘Vancouver Class’.
Vancouver fact #40
Contrary to popular belief, Vancouver does not have a thriving population of bonafide homeless, beggars, and drug addicts. They are in fact all very talented and convincing actors paid very well to give the city an exciting ‘edge’.
Vancouver fact #41
Vancouver is so overwhelming rich that, all its social and economic problems having long since been solved, recently over half a billion dollars ($563 million) was absentmindedly thrown at buying a new stadium roof with expensive features that few citizens particularly wanted. To give it a familiar Vancouver feel, the newly completed roof included various leaks, as is a longstanding expensive tradition in Vancouver building and condominium projects.
Vancouver fact #9
Unlike most of their counterparts around the world, Vancouver’s real estate professionals pander to *nobody* and are extremely skilled with numbers. Recently, for example, the Vancouver real estate board’s crack team of objective data analysts even found a mistake in Vancouver’s census figures — and clarified that the population of Vancouver is NOT 650,000 but it is actually 888,888 .
Vancouver fact #26
Angels up in Heaven hope and pray that when they die they will go to Vancouver — and qualify for a $1 million dollar bank mortgage on a starter tear-down “character” stucco box in the seedier part of the city’s East side.
Vancouver fact #10
Much like any other peasant that doesn’t live in Vancouver, Albert Einstein was obsessed with the city. For example, he was in fact explaining the Vancouver media’s universal real estate reporting philosophy when he famously said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge”.
Vancouver fact #63
The term “Wet Dream” was actually originally concocted to describe the perfect paradise that is Vancouver’s many, many rainy days of the year. More recently, the phrase “Every Person’s Wet Dream!” nearly beat out “Best Place on Earth” as motto for the province’s longrunning advertising campaign.
Vancouver fact #104
Vancouver is part of one of the highest child poverty rates in Canada. But that is only because everybody in Vancouver is so very rich that a number of children in family-owned million-dollar homes are counted as living in poverty. It is a testament to the success of the government assistance programs that many of these same poor rich children, in million dollar homes and receiving government assistance, miraculously turn their lives around by the time they hit driving age and are able to procure luxury European cars.
Vancouver fact #22
Vancouver will never, ever be visited by Chuck Norris. If such a conjoining of greatness did not cause a rift in space-time, at the very least it would leave onlookers depressed and suicidal as they realize there is nothing even remotely as amazing left to look forward to in life.